Transcript from June 12th 2018 Airing on Lutheran Radio UK
"Hello! My name is Svenja Dollar. I have a lengthy history of mental illnesses. I am rather outspoken and extroverted, so through my entire journey I have been (whether intentionally or not) bringing attention to a mostly taboo subject. I have been told by many many individuals that simply sharing my story has opened peoples’ eyes, has brought faith and encouragement to those struggling that they are not alone, and has created a safe environment and opportunity to ask questions. The more encouragement I have had the more I have shared and been open with my journey, which led to more people addressing me with these positive impacts and caused for more openness, and so here I am, broadcasting my story on the radio. Showing people a single journey that has facets and many unique twists and turns to encourage questions, conversation, and outreach. That being said, this is just MY story, it is not the textbook manifestation of depression, or personality disorders or what have it. If you worry about any mental health disorders being prevalent in your or someone else’s life, please contact your GP or your local helpline.
Last time we talked about my realization that I was depressed. Today we will look a little further into my struggle and recovery. Today’s journal entry is from:June 26, 2013
"I would not be surprised, if this made no sense to you.
There are moments in life when each motion is deliberate. Each movement is thought out and carefully executed. You live in slow motion. Turning the faucet on is as beautiful to you as picking a rose, though both hold no significance outside silent films accompanied by delicate piano notes and acoustic guitar picking. You become okay with droplets of water on your face and gracefully rest your head on the sink; the motion of standing up will be one of superior execution. You notice each muscle in your body and the effort exerted in each gliding motion. You see the beauty only poets see, the kind you once scoffed at, the way the toothbrush lies on the counter, or the way a single tear rolls. A prayer is mumbled by you in thanks of all the beauty, but you still feel guilty for staring. Beauty fills you with sadness, unexplainable sadness, and it cannot be shaken."
In this entry I spoke so long about how I see beauty everywhere. In how the toothbrush lays and in turning on the faucet and in silence and in my rising. In so much. And then I finished all of the beauty with “Beauty fills you with sadness, unexplainable sadness, and it cannot be shaken.” My hampered attention was only able to take in tiny things, tiny things that I had never really payed attention to before. The novelty of these little things made them immensely beautiful to me. And being surrounded everywhere I looked, with beauty, I also was being tortured. The beauty was so great or so prevalent that I was so sorrowful and literally surrounded by things that broke my heart. Can you imagine that? That you can only see so little, can only pay attention to tiny things, and yet, every thing you see fills you with unexaplainable sadness? Well that was my world for almost 6 months. Half a year spent in a world that sucked everything out of me. And that is what we will address today: Sadness, feeling trapped, and limited cognitive functions through depression.
Many people, when they hear “depression” they immediately think of a person so sad that they cry constantly, or can never smile or show any real emotion. This thought has both truth and myth within it. People who are depressed are many times very sad. But (thankfully for them) there are little moments where they can laugh, can move around freely, and can even seem what many call “normal.” Depression is more a disrupted or clouded mind than a single emotion. The disrupted mind often leads to sadness or apathy but those are secondary symptoms, and not what are at the root of this terrible illness. Something that is a root issue of Depression however, is limited or reduced cognitive functions. What does this mean? It means that the chemical imbalance that leads to the typical symptoms of depression, also cause reduced memory, slower reaction speeds, and slower and less capable reasoning skills. According to the National Center of Biotechnology Information, the US National Library of Medicine , and the National Institutes of Health
“The research over the past decade show diversity in findings; no single cognitive function has been found that characterizes all depressed patients, and not all patients are impaired in the same degree. However, there is firm evidence that depressed patients as a group are characterized by cognitive impairment”- NCBI
So as you have heard, and will hear me say many times throughout all of these segments, is that mental illnesses, especially depression, are unique to each individual. These diagnosis are flexible, and are formatted in such a way that each person can be assessed individually for their specific symptoms. Each diagnosis has a set of symptoms and afflictions, and to be diagnosed with the illness or disorder someone will not have (nor need to have) all of the symptoms to be diagnosed, the person only needs a collection of symptoms.
This can be seen in depression especially well: depression sufferers can have either too much sleep, or get barely any sleep, and their appetite might change to eating to much or not eating at all. Obviously a person can not have ALL of those symptoms, so the diagnosis is flexible to discover whether or not the individual has the root cause of depression.
This individuality is what makes these topics so delicate and difficult to tie down. It is also the reason I can only speak of my own journey through these times. And as mentioned before, my journey DID include sadness as well as limited cognition.
These combination of symptoms led me to feel trapped. I felt trapped in only one emotion much of the time, and I felt trapped in a fog or sludge because I couldn’t think so well or figure things out as quickly as I had previously. These feelings of hopelessness and imprisonment usually led to a lower mood and (for me) more apathy.
What helped me through these times, were loving and understanding family and friends that did not become irritated with my slowness or confusion at times. They were always helping to support and uplift me, and thankfully, redirected me to God at times that I felt utterly lost. A word of caution however, redirecting me to God did not always help, there were many times that being shown God and Christ and Spirit again made me angry, made me feel unloved, because how could God do this to me? If you or a loved one reacts this way, it is ok, it is reasonable, because when you feel at your lowest and then are shown a place where love is abundant yet you feel no love, then angry or hurt is an understandable feeling. Pray that they see past their hurt, and in their struggle lean on God. The book of Job helped me especially to overcome my feelings of pain and abandonment, though you or a loved one may not see the hope that I did in his story.
So your take aways for today: depression is unique, depression is not merely saddness or emotion, it is a real brain issue that can cause slower thinking and lowered focus, and these experiences can lead to feeling trapped. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As a family or friend of someone depressed, know that you can talk to your support group and you are brave to do so! As someone struggling with the feelings I spoke about today, I’m here as a living breathing reminder, that is does get better. That this is not you or a failure you have in your mind or personality, it is something troublesome that you have to and CAN fight against.
I pray that all of you listening have learned or been encouraged. I pray that God will be with each and every one of you.
This bit of my story is not a representation of every person with depression. There are probably pieces here and there that are resonant with individuals. But this story, as with all of these segments, is simply a conversation starter. To bring attention, publicity to them. To bring them out of the silent taboo darkness that has isolated so many. These issues are more common than bone fractures according to the The National Center for Biotechnology Information. So I share my story in hopes of bringing these common issues to light.
I pray God will work through you all with His love and caring nature. And if you are, or think you are suffering from any type of mental illness, do not hesitate to contact your GP right away.
Blessings, Svenja Dollar